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So how much can I “do” with my boyfriend/girlfriend without sinning?
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Why does the Church teach that having sex before marriage is wrong?
First of all, if you’ve ever heard anyone – a priest, layperson, or anyone else – tell you that sex is something bad, then he or she is absolutely wrong! Our Church believes that sex is a wonderful thing.
In the Old Testament, the book Song of Songs features wonderful poetry about the beauty of human sexuality. More recently, Pope St. John Paul II gave many lectures about the beautiful Biblical view of sexuality in his Theology in the Body (also recommended is his classic book Love and Responsibility). However, sex – like all gifts – has to be used appropriately.
God has designed sex to occur within marriage. According to the Bible, marriage occurs when a man and a woman “become one flesh.” Thus the consummation of a marriage happens during a sexual union. When two people don’t commit to be together for the rest of their lives, sexuality becomes tied to a tentative relationship, something that can be ended at any moment.
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If we engage in such an intimate, powerful experience as sex with someone we aren’t committed to, then in effect we are using the other person’s body to feel good, either physically or emotionally.
There is another reason. Sex is a delicate, intimate, emotionally charged experience. When someone experiences this extremely powerful bond and suddenly is abandoned, that causes great pain, feelings of loneliness and yearning.
Instead, sexuality should be an expression of unity for life, just as newlyweds vow to be with each other until death does them apart. If you wait until marriage, having sex will truly be “making love” and will be a unique experience with that one special person.
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So how much can I “do” with my boyfriend/girlfriend without sinning?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with expressing your affection for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Kissing on the cheeks (not passionately) holding hands and hugging are all perfectly acceptable ways of showing your feelings.
A good rule of thumb is that if something involves genital contact, contact with other intimate parts (breasts, buttocks, lips, etc.), leads to orgasm or feels sexual (French kissing, for example), then it just isn’t appropriate for a dating relationship.
Casual sex with someone you barely know is an absolute no-no. Remember that if you are engaging in inappropriate sexual contact with your boyfriend or girlfriend, then you’re not only offending God. You’re also taking advantage of another person, using his or her body as a tool to make you feel good.
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I’ve had sex or engaged in sexual contact before marriage. What should I do?
Am I somehow a worse Catholic?
We are all sinners, just as the Church’s doctrine on original sin teaches. God knows that nobody’s perfect.
He also gave us sexual desire with the purpose of expressing our love for our spouses in a beautiful way and creating new life. God knows that sometimes, under the influence of hormones and emotions, we can sometimes forget ourselves and do something inappropriate. This does not necessarily mean that you are a “bad Catholic.”
If you’ve read St. Augustine’s Confessions (and if you haven’t, you should!), then you will find out that, before his conversion, the future bishop of Hippo had a particularly strong sexual appetite! Yet after his conversion, St. Augustine became one of the Church’s Fathers and one of the most important people in our Church’s history.
If you’ve engaged in inappropriate sexual conduct, first acknowledge that you did something wrong. Then go to your local Catholic parish, confess to a priest and make a commitment to do better in the future.
If you haven’t been to confession in a while, this might make you a little nervous. But think about the great benefits for your soul and the great reward you will have in heaven!
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I really, really want to have sex. I can’t wait until marriage. What should I do?
Wanting to have sex is a perfectly normal human desire. In fact, our sex drive is a gift from God. God gave us the beautiful gift of sexuality so that we can express our love to that one special person and create new life. However, all gifts have to be used appropriately.
Think of your sex drive as something like your hunger for food. Food is a great thing… But if we abuse food and become obese and cause ourselves other maladies threatening our life and health, then we aren’t respecting our bodies, a gift from God. Similarly, sexuality is something great, but it shouldn’t be abused.
If you feel that you can’t control your sex drive, talk to a Catholic priest and he will definitely give you advice. Don’t be embarrassed; the priest is human, too! Above all, try to think about things in the long term.
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What’s more important: feeling good for one night, or experiencing bliss and union with God in heaven for eternity?
Also, remember how the other person will feel. As Catholics, we want to treat our brothers and sisters as we want ourselves to be treated. Casual sexual encounters often lead to people being hurt. After all, people often claim they were “used” in such cases.
God gives each of us a cross to bear in life. Managing a strong sex drive while not married can be such a cross. But it is only through the cross that we achieve salvation.
Toby Kenobe
CATECHISM OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH